I’ve thought a lot about you in that time. The more I’ve thought the more I’ve come to feel that I was unfair to you. I probably should have been a better, fairer person when it came to the way I treated you.

This may not be the most normal way to look at things though. Girls my age never use the word “fair”. Ordinary girls such as I are indifferent to whether things are fair or not. The central question for them is not whether something is fair but whether or not it is beautiful and will make them happy. “Fair” is a mans word, finally, but I can’t help feeling that it is exactly the right word for me now.

In any case though, I believe that I have not been fair to you, and that as a result I must have led you around in circles and hurt you deeply. In doing so, however, I have led myself in circles and hurt myself just as deeply. I say this not as an excuse or a means for self-justification but because it is true. If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. So please try not to hate me- I am a flawed human being, a far more flawed human being than you realise. Which is precisely why I do not want you to hate me. Because if you were to do that, I really would go to pieces. I can’t do what you do, I can’t slip inside my shell and wait for things to pass. I don’t know for a fact that you are really like that, but sometimes you give me that impression. I often envy that in you, which may be why I led you in circles so much.

This may be an overly-analytical way of looking at things. Don’t you agree? The way I am here, like it or not, you become more or less analytical. “this was caused by that and this means this, because of which such-and-such”. Like that. I can’t tell whether this kind of analysis is trying to simplify the world or complicate it.